How / Why did Rakhi trend – A case study

August 3, 2009 at 11:55 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, fakereviews, humour, Internet, spam, Technical, twitter, Visions | 10 Comments
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I assume that most of you are still recovering from last night’s events. Totally surreal stuff, I must say. Triple Baaraats, 3 grooms , 2 idiot MC’s and of course the multiplee talented Rakhi Sawant. A by-product of this whole ruckus was that India witnessed yet another trending topic [after #indiavotes09 etc ]

This was a pretty interesting experience to watch, as well as to participate in, as one could clearly see the effect of opinion snowballing, and mass-hysteria eventually taking over.

This is all I can say about ‘why’ did Rakhi trend. Well you see, ‘ The human mind is a complex system, and…”.

Oh, ditch that. It’s the ‘how’ that’s explainable.

So, how did Rakhi Madamji muster so much mojo?

Well, the obvious answer has to got to be – “due to a lot of tweets in a short timeframe”.

For the uninitiated, I’ll provide the same background that I wrote on http://whatthetrend.com/trend/Rakhi [ which incidentally, is a wonderful site to know why a topic is trending on twitter. So the next time you see something like “Cash for Clunkers” or ” Bob Saget’s gone bonkers” trending on twitter, you know where to look for answers ]

Rakhi Sawant is an Indian film actress who participated in a Reality Show on National Television (Channel – NDTV Imagine) called “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” to select a bridegroom for her. In the Final show aired tonight (2-aug-2009), she selected “Elesh Parujanwala” from Canada as her husband to be.

[ I’d throw in an image but for the fact that I couldn’t find a single decent picture, and even among the bhajan variety, there were none with a Creative commons license. Perverts, please search here ]

So, with this much info, lets dive into some statistics.

[ Note: ATPS – Average Tweets Per Second ]

The show started at around 9.00 p.m [ I.S.T], and for the initial 10 minutes the tweet flow was quite slow, at around 5 ATPS ]

Soon, some celebrities [or  twittebrities, if that floats your boat ],  joined in the action, and all hell broke loose. Some samples.

gulpanag

[ Ah, the marvels of good liquor ]

pritish_nandy

[ Sums up the nation’s opinion with this tweet ]

Soon enough, the twitter universe was flooded with retweets, ” what the eff ” ‘s, <brain explodes>, ‘shoot me. shoot me now‘ ‘s , on one end.

Not to be perturbed by this, the positive Rakhi Chee forces retaliated with tweets like ” Go Elesh“, ” I’d marry Elesh, He’s cho cute“, ” OMG, Rakhi Sawant looks so hot  ya“.

But it was mostly the apathetic crowd that both cheered and jeered [ I know that doesn’t make sense on many levels, but work with me on this ], that was the peach of the tweetset. Sample these.

shaaqt

[ Witty that one ]

schmmuck

[‘Main is Desh ka damaad Hoon’, but in a canadian accent. Sounds vaguely familiar]

By this time [ around 9.30 p.m], the term was buzzing on Twittscoop at around 10 ATPS. The next best term was “Shark week” at 30 ATPS, which had already started to trend. So, on an a normal day with not much news happening [ no plane crashes, no celebrity deaths, no white police / afro-american professor drinking chilled beers with the U.S president ], we can make a decent speculation that there has to be atleast 30 ATPS for a topic to trend.

This by itself is no mean feat, so Kudos to Rakhi for keeping us glued to the telly. Assume that the average twitterer, even in the heights of their frenzy tweets about 1 tweet per 10 minutes.

[ The power twitterer does about 1 tweet in 2 minutes say, and the other twitterer who’s just an innocent bystander,just pops in to say ” Oh, why’s this topic trending”. say 1 tweet per 30 minutes].

In some universe with a favourable averaging scheme, the number 1 tweet in 10 minutes figures, and I’ll use that.

To achieve a critical state of 30 ATPS, for say about an hour, for the trend to be noticed, we’d need,

1 person can tweet 1 tweet in 10 minutes = 1 / 600 ATPS

x people need to tweet 30  tweets in 1 second. 30 ATPS

So, assuming an equal distribution of tweeting in the timeframe, we needed about 18000 people to start the trend, which is quite reasonable and achievable, since there around 25 million twitter users globally out of which around 2% are Indian, [1] [2], which makes it a potential 500,000 Indian users.

This was the tweet density for yesterday. This is what a one-time-wonder trend looks like.

rakhi_sawant_tweet_density

So, as you can notice, ‘rakhi’ was in the limelight for around 2 hours[ mentally visualize chopping off the curve where the height reaches 30 ]

[ graph courtesy: Twittscoop ]

There were some obvious side-effects of this inane exercise. People not used to seeing their twitter stream getting littered like this, got extremely pissed off, and started issuing death threats in all possible directions. Sample.

andi

[ My my, such strong emotions. Now you know how provocative Rakhi’s aura can be ]

So, in conclusion. Bah, easy peasy work. We can make anything trend, given enough determination, teamwork and resolute joblessness.

Hum honge #kaamyaab ek din. [ Loosely translates to ” May the #manForce be with you” ]

P.S: Respect to all the twitterers featured in this post. I come in peace. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Be there, or Be Squared?

June 4, 2009 at 11:51 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, fakereviews, humour, Internet, Linux, Microsoft, narcissism, Politics, sarcasm, Technical | 6 Comments
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In a desperate attempt to bridge the gap between WolfRam Alpha and itself, Google released something known as Google Squared. [ The service ] [ The official Post].
My conspiracy theory is that this is a majorly quadratic statement by Google in the light of the Tiananmen Square Incident Anniversary, which happens to be on June 4th[ i.e, Today ].

To all those crazy lunatics over there, let me fuel it further by saying that June is the 6th Month, and 4 is the date.  Oh . Holy Moly, that’s 6 and 4.  => 64? Get it? That’s a perfect square…

Go ahead, I’ve made your day. Send all those crazy forwards, and troll in all possible forums out there, because deep within your stupid hearts, you know it to be true.

With all due respects to Google, Wolfram Alpha still continues to totally arouse Geeky researchers ( and trivia hunters), with the same feeling that people used to [ and still get ], when randomly bouncing off wikipedia pages.

And in keeping up with my holy tradition of keeping the kernel of the post in the very end, and most often than not, missing it entirely, here’s them goodies…

google squared

[ Open the image in a different tab, if you wish ]
Well, there has been no editing absolutely. There in lies my integrity [ as well as differentiability, from other arbit meme creators out there ]. Don’t believe me, check it out.

http://www.google.com/squared/table/ageTYAeHzVe5UFezJFN2MFtg

Now, let me expertly dissect this information, as a certain annoying Arnab ComeSwami would.

Some Salient Features:

  • Vajpayee proves why he’s still the best out there. He’s a DLF maximum, and a citi moment of success all rolled into one smooth package.
  • Karat’s priced at 2 Dollars. he he. Take that you pseudo-communisty bleddy red-chaddis. No Marx for you this time. For all that dirty Lenin that you washed in public, serves you right.
  • Advani’s priced slightly higher than Mr.Singh. That’s just the added value of viral marketing, and internet flash ads. And him being the Iron Man of India, to boot.
  • Lalu foxes even Google. Even the mighty know-it-all search engine cannot figure out how much stash the Bihari-Bond is hiding.
  • Sonia Gandhi –  well, I refrain from commenting, in accordance with previously maintained policies. Respect mam, or as they say in fluent Italian, ‘KThnxBai‘.

In other search engine news : Microsofty released their new polished search service, which they call Bing.
which apparently stands for ” But It’s Not Google”.
Several scapegoats have confirmed this fact to be true, and have unanimously bleated out that a search engine so lousy, cannot definitely be a clone of Google.
But, do not shoo off this Bingy thingy so soon. If history has taught us anything, [ other than about one crazy dude pillaging through other another crazy dude’s city, and general voyeuristic/hedonistic activities of folks with lots of cash ] , it is this.
Services/Movements/ Tools/ Softwares with recursive names might not be successful commercially, but will definitely end up being a major pain-in-the-ass of the opposite party concerned. ”
off the cuff examples being, GNU, LAME, WiNe.
So, watch out. Microsoft hopes for some Bing Bling soon…

Oh, and by the way. This happens to be my 50th post.[ Hurrah, yippee yay. Saavdhaan, Vishraam.]
Muchas Gracias to all of you for all this nice readership thing that’s happening so far.
Keep up the good work 🙂
If there was an award for the highest blogging throughput, an award for the most prolific and active blogger out there, you know, the person with all the witty regular posts, and amazing rapport with the readers…..

I wouldn’t have got it.

Should have guessed…

November 17, 2008 at 12:20 am | Posted in arbit, chappar, humour, nitk, sarcasm, Technical | 10 Comments
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While riding on the internets, and surfing the tubes, I came across this nifty site called Gender Analyzer. Using free text classifier algorithms from a site called Uclassify, this site aims to judge whether a blog/website is written by a woman or a man. A very active research topic.

Gender Analyzer

I tried out using some known standard cases, and here’s the goldmine.

Evil Sense

Gosh, I didn’t know that Machine Learning had become so accurate these days. Be paranoid, very.

Incidentally, Chappar, when you were on wordpress, your manliness rating was 83%. Did anything special happen during the transition phase?

A thousand apologies, plus one extra, just in case.

And to those who might think of an oh-so-brilliant, “Look who’s talking !!!”,line. I’m at 71%. Muha ha ha.

P.S: Incidentally again, this is the 2nd in the chappar series of posts, the first one having been written nearly 2 years ago.[hyper-link to click in case you’re bored]

Update: Google Hindi translation of this post is too funny. 

excerpt: जबकि internets पर, घुड़सवारी और ट्यूबों सर्फिंग, मैं इस गंधा साइट भर में आया जेंडर विश्लेषक कहते हैं

lol [link]

Vista – On the Rocks. Azure in the Clouds…

October 28, 2008 at 11:24 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, humour, sarcasm, Technical, Visions | Leave a comment
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Seeing this brilliant piece of satire by America’s Finest news Source – The Onion News, made me think.

With Vista having chosen the Red Screen of Death , as its official time-please message , the devout and loyal fans of a much peaceful colour were very disappointed. Having to see the altogether familiar shade just on special occasions like the Beijing Olympics, did take its toll on an XP zealot.

BSOD was  ZOMG level in funnity. It was the zen in awesomeness. It unleashed previously unseen waves of creativity amongst the developers [ to use that time on a different OS, I must confess].

Anyways, here is the kinda froody things that you could do with them blue screens. [ Statutory Warning : Not safe for Work, especially if you’re at Microsoft]

bsod-fun 

Cheaply mashed from the following sources [1 ],[2].
Anyways, the point of this painstakingly researched article is to, waht-else, reveal a conspiracy theory of course…
The people at microsoft, ever so attentive to their customer needs, have heard our earnest pleas.
They are rolling out a new and improved version of BSOD on the clouds…Call it BSOD 2.0 if you must.
You don’t believe me, do you? I knew it. But I have ball-clinching evidence to this effect.
What do they name their Cloud computing OS as? What better a name to support my theory, than “AZURE”. [1 ],[2 ]

A reasonably accurate dictionary defines:
Noun: azure
1. A light shade of blue
Verb: azure
1. Colour azure
Adjective: azure
1. Of a deep somewhat purplish blue colour similar to that of a clear October sky.

The clues are out there, on the cloud .
See, don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you before.
Happy Computing. I’m on Cloud 7 already…

The Full Monty Problem…

October 6, 2008 at 10:27 pm | Posted in arbit, humour, literary, sarcasm, spam, Technical, travel | 12 Comments
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Monty Singh was a wise man. The brightest in the land.

On that eventful Thursday, he received an email. This was a mail  like.no.other.

It was from a Nigerian King.

A real friggin rich Nigger Raja. [P.C version –  Niger. But different country]

Monty Singh was a pyoor Veggie. He didn’t like spam.

But this mail had to be genuine. His IIT alumnian brain could sense it. It was authentic. Right down to the black fonted signature in Wingdings.

He glanced through the contents. He couldn’t believe it. He read it again, this time slowly, and only then did the weight of the matter dawn on him.

He was chosen to participate in a Game show. A quiz of sorts.

Monty smirked. He was an ace quizzer. How he missed those days.

Flashback : Brought to you by Chintu Candy.

It was in seventh standard. He had had his morning’s cuppa’ Horlicks.

Then he went to BQC, thrashed Derek O’Brien mostly left, and occasionally right as well. Pinky Singh was a proud mother that day.

Monty came back from his reverie. He had to think this through.

Monty loved Probability. He simulated a random bit generator. Lady Luck was with him. “Go to Nigeria, you worthless bastard!”, she bellowed.

The queue for the Visa was shorter than he had expected. There was just one local brown model visiting the country for a Fair and Lovely – Limited Nigerian Edition ad-shoot. He grinned as he saw the neighbouring ‘US of A’ Visa line, mostly consisting of bespectacled grad wannabees.

He was received in Nigeria, amidst a royal fanfare. He was led to the only 7 star hotel in the country –  Bobby Da Dhaba. Monty felt right at home.

He woke up that morning, and got himself a beer.

Oops. Wrong post!!!

Monty was up and soon spiffily dressed himself. His father’s pink tie would go well with his lemon yellow shirt.

Karan Johar, the host, looked surprisingly hetero that morning. Must be all that Koffee, thought Monty. “Never mind his temporary non-gayness”. “Concentrate”, he said to himself, as he walked to the stage, which was lit by a thousand colour-colour LED’s. A sight to behold.

Monty raced through the questions like Usain Bolt on steroids. They didn’t call him “Monty Mastermind” just like that.

The final question. This was a toughie. Monty kept his cool. He worked it out. Ruddy Brilliant. He was dingchakkingly good.

“And now Mr.Monty. How bout a bonus round”, shrieked Johar.

“ A flirty car, or you lose it all…..”

No, wait. No one had told him about a bloody bonus round.

As if reading his concerns, Johar replied, “ Don’t worry, Its just a tiny game of probability”.

Gosh. Monty almost had a tiny orgasm.

“ Very similar to the Monty Hall scenario, I take it that you know about it”, asked Johar.

Pfft. Know about it? Why do you think my dad named me Monty?

“Oh. I thought that was because you like to…..  Never mind…”

“Ok. All the doors are hidden behind this wall. Just for kicks”. “And…”

Oh. Will you start already”. “I choose door no.2”. “Which car is it btw?”

“Premier Padmini’s hot friend, Diablo Lamborghini….” “ Whate joke . Whate joke. Ha . Ha.. I know . I can be a pain in the bottoms sometimes”, quipped Karan Johar.

“Ok. Mr.Monty. I’ll open door no.1 and… WTF…”.

“Damn you, Nigerians, stop touching my goat”.

Monty’s brain started working faster than a computer. All those nuggets from Dasgupta, and T.M.H, heck even some from Krishna’s came back to him in a rush. He evoked Bayes, and his conditional Probabilistic models. And in a jiffy, the answer was gambolling right in front of his eyes.

“So, Mr. Monty, what’s your call? Will you flip your choice, or keep it?”

Duh. Flip my choice. Obs”.

“Ok. Have it your way.” ……. “ “Hurrah, You win….”

…..

…..

…..

…..

“ the goat”.

“There were only two doors. Retard”….

All rise for the Nigerian Anthem.

P.S : Monty Singh was a wise man. The brightest in the land.

Update – 7-10-2008

Atul asked me whether this was a Himesh Reshammiya belting post? Actually, I am currently cursing myself for not noticing that Himesh is playing Monty’s role in Karzzzzzzz ( Did I miss a ‘z’? ).

Quoting Himesh – ” Rishi Kapoor is the best-looking Monty, I’m the worst” – We agree.

That, friends, is a different Full-Monty-Problem altogether.

BAD, Very BAD…

September 14, 2008 at 2:20 pm | Posted in criticism, Politics, protocol, Technical | 1 Comment
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      A standard procedure when the comment to a post grows longer than the post and is mostly disconnected to it, is to write a new one. Hence drawing from this, I continue.

      The Monty analogy fits the situation perfectly. Resilience at its stupid best.

      And now there is this new thread that Narendra Modi had pre-warned the PM, and M.K.Narayanan – the N.S.A , regarding a clear threat to Delhi. Several people might wonder why Modi didn’t bring this out to the public.

      The idea of any intelligence/security related pre-warnings is that the government/authority is to be made aware of it before a public disclosure. Standard protocol.

       As an analogy it is something followed even by white-hat hackers/ exploit researchers as well. The 30-90 day disclosure rule. So that the vendor [ in this case , the Government of India ] can act on it much in advance, without tipping off the adversaries.

       So, this brings an interesting situation. Why, even in the face of an imminent threat, was there no clear cut action taken? Why are bombs defused only after some go off?.. and so on.

I would completely understand if this is just the Home ministry going lax, on what is just a tiny issue of National Security. But if this is childish cross-party obstinate behaviour, something that we are all to used to by now, it raises some serious concerns.

        Especially since the PM wants to create a Federal Agency to tackle terror. A federal agency is built on the premise of state-centre co-operation pertaining to every aspect regarding the security of the nation. Now, if this isn’t a major example of a BAD game of Chinese Whispers, I’m not sure what else to call it.

        Now, to the newly cropped up development of hacking Wi-Fi Networks, and then using that to send terror emails to media organizations.

        Wi-Fi networks are not safe. Lets face it. For chrissakes, there have even been comic strips about it.

For a government that is so obsessed with getting a backdoor entry into the 256-AES encryption algorithms used by RIM-Blackberry , isn’t this a bigger and more feasible a threat to ignore?

         I mean, an absconding tech-trained terrorist would find it a piece-of-nilgiri-cake work to hack into some fat-american’s un-protected wifi network, than strut around with a neat Blackberry sending Indian Mujahiddeen mails on the fly.

          Then, there is the issue of security pepped up all around the major cities as soon as an attack is done. Previously, there used to be a large time-frame between two attacks. So, it was almost passable that the security didn’t know it was coming.

           Now, that attacks are happening just weeks apart, one wonders, what exactly this pepping up is all about.

           For an honourable minister of India ( Kapil Sibal @ War of Words to Arun Jaitley ) to tell that these attacks are a result of the BJP’s antics in Gujarat 2002, is nothing short of a lame excuse. These do nothing other than incite a political flame-war, doing more harm than good. What any party at the centre needs to realize is that the situation has changed drastically since 2002.

           For the major worry, in the recent set of attacks, is the choice of soft-targets. Be it local trains, or busy markets; hospitals, or bus stops. As one Mr.Das of the TOI puts it, prior to POTA being removed, most attacks were by so-called Pakistani para-troopers, militants born, brought-up, and trained in Pakistan. Post-POTA has seen an influx of home-grown terrorism.

           I’m not stupid to believe that Correlation implies Causation . That is the job for conspiracy theorists. All I say, is that current mechanisms are not adequate. If the POTA was a draconian law, improve upon it. We don’t need something as uncivilised as the U.S. Patriot act, but we sure need something effective and soon.

          India has seen different methods of attack over its resplendent history. It has survived through each of them, and in most cases, has emerged out stronger.Unfortunately, that opinion is being shattered in the wake of these recent developments.

          In dark and troubled times such as these, the country should stay united and focussed, sense should prevail, and actions be taken at the earliest, lest these insane acts crumble the beautiful ethos of the nation, that is India.

 

——————————————

As of writing this post, there have been two major updates:- (September 22, 2008)

Update 1: Indian Government successfully installs Deep Packet Inspection. This means better sniffing of all your emails in realtime. Yay. Read here.

 

Update 2: IB has successfully cracked the BlackBerry Code. Without help from RIM of course. Yay Yay.

Read here.

 

Both of these developments happened after yours truly wrote this post.

But as I said before, I am not implying  that “correlation implies causation”. 🙂 🙂

The Life and Works of Sir Takal…

August 24, 2008 at 2:08 pm | Posted in arbit, Bengaluru, chappar, criticism, Ethics, fakereviews, humour, literary, news wagon, nitk, poetry, Politics, sarcasm, Technical, travel, Visions | Leave a comment
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Drawing on this extensive article; the sole biography of Sir Takal in existence, I choose to limit myself, and write only about his magnificent works, with particular emphasis on some of his recent views about everything of consequence to the neo-modern chinese cult-societies in Bangalore.

Takal doesn’t read my blog, so I presume I am safe. [ Sincere apologies in advance ].

Inspirations: [ with the equivalent deft delicateness of Anu Malik ]

  • Appar’s exhilarating review of his best friend’s literary masterpiece.
  • A superb book review of “The 2007-2012 Outlook for Tufted Washable Scatter Rugs, Bathmats, and Sets That Measure 6-Feet by 9-Feet or Smaller in India” – the most scholarly book ever written in this field.

There are two kinds of literary critics in this world, one who totally adore Sir Takal’s succinct analogies, and metaphorical embellishments at times, and the others who haven’t read him yet. I proudly say that I belong to the first variety.

You see, when you read Takal ( a metonymic reference to something written by him ), you not only get the perception that the author is trying to convey an issue of importance, but also the subtle realization of the deeper meaning that this exalted mind offers.

Through innumerous surreal examples, chiefly drawn from the author’s experience with life, and his in-depth knowledge of the Bengalurean city-life, as well as his profound insights on global politics[ with a categorical expertise centered around topics related to the Chinese and Tibetan domain ], Takal clearly convinces of a dark and shady conspiracy that the system[ The Indian Government ], is running in the background of a hazy “India Shining” campaign.

Some Excerpts, and a Detailed as well as a Figurative analysis :-

  • I don’t know why I wrote this post. It is bad. Or may be not . I am not sure. “  Never since The Tale of Two Cities, has a enantiosis, the figure of contraries, of this nature ever been displayed in English Literature.  Walking on both lines of the  paradoxical line, he gently prepares the reader for a tumultuous article ahead. He continues….
  • It was Friday. It was when I went to piss at 4 o’clock that day, that I saw that it was a haze of grey outside . Well, with only work in my mind, I went back and hardly gave a thought to the heavy rain. ” – Metaphors be damned. This is God himself writing. When was the last time you had such a phantasmagoric visual treat lined up for you[ In the most literary, straightest sense possible ].
  • “Well, when I came back home, another shitty thing happened. Power went off.” – A powerful, yet hidden message to the Yeddy government.
  • “ And it is the engineer’s duty to do everything at the last moment. So, thinking I had all the time in the world, I disregarded the increasingly heavy rain, and started to play candle-lit carrom with Kela.” – Inspirational substance, and a brief hint at an on-going romance.
  • “I went and saw to my horror that there were only girlie umbrellas available. But, when I searched properly I did find some black umbrellas. So, I decided to buy it. But wait, I saw the label, and here it was for 667 rupees only. Well, with no time, and having more than a goat’s brain, I decided to adjust with a girlie umbrella for a day( which was available for 220 rupees), I got the umbrella.” – Sir Takal is a champion of the woman’s liberation movement, and he breaks all stereotypes, and urges the reader to do the same. Notice how he assigns a higher price to the “Black Umbrella”. Yes, you guessed it. Sir Takal loves the Afro-American Community as well. He is a maestro in the field of Zulu Dancing, though he is very coy about it.
  • “Thus, it should be clear that a torturer is a torturer, whatever language he speaks, and whatever country he belongs to. The driver was talking to people in singular whatever, I don’t remember the word. It was as if he thought he was the lord. It was as if he was enjoying the overcrowding of the bus. I realized what sadists felt like. He was feeling comfortable in his chair looking at the crowded bus. I felt what a concentration camp felt like, and I for the first time sympathized with the Jews, Borat notwithstanding.” – Just two words :- Drawing parallels between a BMTC ride and the Holocaust, Sir Takal takes the reader to an epochal period and drops him there. Also of importance are the tyrannical analogies of the bus-driver, who here is being compared to Adolf Hitler himself.   Did I say two words?.. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

And this is just one of his works. Imagine the greatness of a man who has managed to put so many critical issues in such an eloquent manner.

I could go on an on, but I do not wish that the reader misses out on exploring Sir Takal all on their own. A chance that everyone must take.

Takal is a genre in itself. Kafkaesque creations seem pale in front of this divine force of literary grandeur.

Some blurbs from some more reputed sources:

  • “This is the 98956’th Indian Origin author that I have been asked to review. Please give me a break. God Damn it.” – Shashi Tharoor.
  • “To reduce such a richly diverse book to a couple of main themes is a disservice, for there is much here to reward the careful reader (notably two startlingly educative essays on the ancient roots of relations between India and China). Particularly pleasurable is Sir Takal’s masterly reclaiming of Rabindranath Tagore’s reputation from the unjust misjudgment of him in the West as a mediocre mystic poet rather than the rationalist and humanist genius and polymath Takal convincingly depicts. But — disservice aside — two principal arguments emerge from this collection: an affirmation of India’s political and cultural heterogeneity, and of the ‘reach of reason’ in India’s intellectual traditions.” – Shashi Tharoor on cannabis.
  • “I think of the glorious Tiananmen square days, when I read Sir Takal’s works.” – Long Dong, The Times of China. he continues, “Actually, I always think of those days.” ,he clarifies.
  • “I so adore Takal because he posts his articles mostly at the break of dawn. I love to wake up and read Takal, with the cup of coffee in my hand. WoW, Sir Takal. You’re totally on my favorites list. ” – Chetan Bhagat.
  • “Pardon me for this infantile indulgence, but pray allow me to savour the poetic mastery of Sir Takal. I fear that if I don’t quantify it into my already vast intellectual cache, I shall miss out on something very special, the stuff that mortals are faintly aware of.” – Noam Chomsky, not on cannabis.
  • “TB rules. TB is my hero. TB is GoD .” – Hashish, The Arizona Daily Star .
  • “Ashish to Ashes, Dust to Dust” – Sir Takal, The Davangere  Daily.

Normally I don’t recommend authors, but in his case, I doubly do so.

Venture into the unknown,

for there is where true beauty lies,

Do not miss this literary Oasis, O’ pensive traveller,

Not a shadow of doubt, I premise.

Dinga Product Launch. Audio-Phish a.k.a De-Reshammiya Filter

August 2, 2008 at 4:34 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, humour, music, narcissism, sarcasm, Technical | 7 Comments
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[written with absolute permission from Dha, and Moral Insurance from Takal (just in case) ]

It was a festive atmosphere in the Dinga Electronics ™ campus on Thursday. A small gathering witnessed the launch of a revolutionary product in the field of consumer electronics.

Shri. Muthappa Rai, renowned reporter of the world-famous newspaper “Karavali Ale”,      was in Udupi to cover a murder scheduled later that evening.  After a pressing request by Logik, that this report would fetch him the PULL-it-Saar prize, he reluctantly came to     cover the event.

Chief Dingologist P.S.L.V. Babu, and Senior Dingineer Sadagopan Ramesh, described       their motivation to create the Audio-Phish™.

” It was just unbearable. We couldn’t tolerate it any more. People like Himesh Reshammiya were inflicting aural torture the likes of which, we have never heard before”. ” And then there were these countless reality shows as well. Mindless retards. Horrible Horrible. ” – Mr.Babu said reflecting his profound thoughts to our now, hapless reporter.

“We felt we owed it bigtime, to the society, and to the future generation. We realized      the need for a product that would obviate these crass voices once and for all. ” said Sadagopan Ramesh, looking obviously pleased, with this new found attention.

Ramesh continued. ” We hit a roadblock mapping Reshammiya’s voice to current noise models. Even Gaussian seemed melodious compared to him. Which is when we took the aids of Dha, a man so well known in audio processing circles.

” Of course. What were you thinking? Gaussian it seems.Pfft. The Himeshian model is so so complex. It is not just-white-noise. ” remarked Dha, in between games of Minesweeper, slyly gaining some Google-juice in the process.

After months of hard-work, The Dinga team has proudly launched the Audio Phish [ codenamed De Reshammiya Filter].

” This is still a prototype. We have just managed to make him sound like Sonu Nigam as of now. It will take us at least months, if not years, to get some decent sounds.” quipped Ramesh. ” Questions from anyone in the media? “, he said, obviously pointing to the one and only Muthappa.

” Now, what if Himesh comes to know of this, and sticks it down his . umm. throat? Wouldn’t that limit your sales to just one piece, and achieve similar results.?” asked Mr.Rai, beaming at having come up with such a brilliant doubt.

” Actually, make that two. One for each naris/nostril. Yes. That is a valid point. Which is why we are not seeking much publicity. We are just planning to put all this info up on a third-rate blog. And now, your paper as well. ” Mr.Babu replied, delicately avoiding any references to the atrocious piece of trash, that is Karavali Ale.

” Any copyright suits expected?”

” Probably just one. For flicking that pic from HHGTTG“.

” That’s it gentlemen. This is a joyous moment for us, for we know, that in our own humble way, we have saved millions from an imminent brain-freeze.”

Mr. Muthappa Rai looked exuberant as this pathetic show came to an end, and he bouncily jumped in joy.

The dingologist, and the dingineer rejoiced in their unique way.

“Hey, isn’t that the Bingo guys?. Are you planning on a merger?” asked the ever-inquisitive Rai.

” Listen, dude. Question time is over.” “Damn. The news shouldn’t have come out so soon. Yes , we’re planning on a new food-products division. We are yet to decide on a name though. ”

Bingo-Dinga, and Dingo-Binga both sound like African cuss-words”. mentioned Logik, haughtily considering himself so important that he had to do a self-reference.

Regular readers might be aware of the deal. Takal obviously irritated with the lack of publicity for Davangere Food Products, took on Dha in a verbal duel.

Dha says – ” You know what. You’d anyway be killed in that weird incident, by Sads, who would be taking over Davangere Semi Conductors. And if he doesn’t, I’ll certainly sh00t you, and take over Davangere Food Products”. , fondly reliving his glorious days on Dc++.

Takal says- ” Ha Ha. D.F.P’s output would just be self-sufficient for its CEO then.” taking a violent jab there, and making a below-the-belly joke.

Dha replied- ” Don’t ejaculate with joy there, Yoga-Boy. I know all about your deeds. ”

Looking exasperated after this vicious remark, Takal left the scene, vowing to avenge this defeat.

While the day drew to a close, the absence of famous Wildlife Photographer, and avid Hornithologist S.U.Saravanakumar, was deeply regretted. Despite an official invite from Logik, it is said that he went off to  Manipal, to watch the cheer-babes at the newly formed Udupi Premier League Kabaddi matches.

Dha, obviously gleaming with joy, at having directed such a great project, went on to address the gathering.

” This, in my not-so-humble opinion, should be the IEEE standard for Indian Humour blogposts”.

He also shouted ” All Hail the Son of Bosey“, for no apparent reason, before he was whisked off for security reasons, still maintaining the ambiguity in the minds of the readers, whether this was a tribute or a parody.

Cheerio.

Well, You know, I tweet. Sometimes.

June 7, 2008 at 2:46 am | Posted in arbit, criticism, humour, narcissism, sarcasm, Technical, twitter, Visions | 4 Comments
Tags: , , ,

As you all are well-aware by now, there is this regularly dysfunctional site called Twitter which allows several critters like me to post the answer to the greatest question the human race has ever asked.
Which is……..
“What are you doing now”?
To be answered in 140 characters or less. Phew. Now, that’s a toughie.
If only it was as simple as the answer to life, universe, and everything.
Barring mundane, obscene,irrelevant, personal, and utterly inane tweets[ more on this annoying term later], a normal person would not find much to tweet about.
Thusly, twitter is out of business.

Wrong on two counts.

  • My assumption that people wouldn’t want to share such routine stuff.
  • And that the kind of people who refer to this act as tweeting are sensible to begin with.

Now, for their technical issues. For starters, they tried to do too many things at the same time.

  • web-service – good
  • Im service – good
  • Mobile-tweeting – good , so that you can say ” hey there is a monkey walking on the street”. I’m not sure which retard would actually write something like that. But their site says this is the single most important reason that led them to E-nable this feature.
  • Iphones[ no no.. they are not just cell-phones. They are I-PHONES], twitterfox, opera twitter gadgets. Heck, any text-entry mechanism ever-built has some twitter client attached to it by now. There was this kid, who tweets from his command line. I pity the fool.

All at once, with limited resources to handle it. Bad.
Well, all would have been fine. They didn’t expect one thing. You guessed it. The no. of users.
So, every now and then their service goes down. Which is more often than ever.

The irony of course lies in this aspect. There was this tiny little site run by this nice chap, with a well-defined purpose. That site of-course was, Is Twitter Down . Now I say ‘was’ because since the time twitter went comatose today, even this site has. You could call it the Slashdot-esque effect, . Wait, I’ve an even brilliant idea. You’ve been twitted . Ha ha….
“Is twitter down” is down? Hey, maybe I can open a new site to check that. But how far can we go in this stupid endeavour when the faults lie deep within Twitter.

So, gear up folks. Use that crisp 15million bucks to good effect.

For Pete’s sake. Let a man tweet.

Well, about tweet. This is one of the most annoying web2.0 terms that I’ve heard. However, its not something new. Guys who do similar stuff also have stupid names. Jaiku, Pownce
What’s it with micro-blogging and icky terms?

P.S: The author tweets at

twitter

Additional twitter information: Wiki , Killer-Apps [ Cho Tweet].
And a twit-toon.

One more, that asks me to politely stop this post.

Self-Spam

May 30, 2008 at 5:27 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, humour, image processing, sarcasm, spam, Technical, Visions | 9 Comments
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A small technical exercise testing the effectiveness of gmail to combat spam, which on their site says “Fast, searchable email with less spam”.

This is true mostly. However, there is a downside to gmail spam filters w.r.t false-positives, i.e (filter mistakenly flags a good mail as spam)
These numbers are particularly high in case of gmail. I’m comparing it to, say using Spam-Assassin , or Akismet as your spam filter. I’ve had a sufficient number of good mails, not so useful, but not spam either-> which have been flagged off as spam.
This is unacceptable. In my case, I’ve the patience, and also a weird interest to go through my spam messages everday. But, busy people would consider this to be a “costly nuisance”.
The Nuisance is obvious. It’s also costly as the flagged message might have critical business information.
Most people however do not worry much about this. Because they trust their spam filters to weed out only the bad guys. As Matt Cutts of Google says about Google Search so elegantly,

“Sure,I could stop all the spam in the world if I didn’t have to return any search results.” 🙂 [source]

What people don’t like, however, is the appearance of { stimulating/enlarging/Nigerian King bequeathing his 100 million $ /cheap adobe software or Rolex-es / mortgage loans at unbelievable rates } mails in their inbox. This is totally irritating, and this does more damage to the lay-user than the previously mentioned almost-rare case.
Spam filters involve many techniques which are constantly under development. These chiefly include heuristic[ drawing from previous experiences, a learning method], bayesian filters, simple database matching, matching ip’s with regular spammers, and lots more involving complex probability/statistical models beyond my wildest dreams.
So, being the evil chap that I am, I did this nonsensical thing. I sent a spam mail to myself.

Self Spam
Granted, this is stupid. Gmail should place a trust on the sender[ me], and the sending server[gmail.com], and hence classify this as a legitimate mail.
So I repeated this exercise with a well-known email spoofer, www.pranketh.com . What this nifty project [written by two brilliant chaps from University of waterloo] does is pretty simple.
As the site says – “It allows you to send an email, that looks like its sent from someone else.” Or in simple terms.
I can send an email from id’s like mukeshambani[at]reliance[dot]in, or soniagandhirocks[at]congressrocks[dot]gov[dot]in.
[ note the delicate usage of “rocks”, Blogger belongs to google. I don’t want no risks]. A screenshot of pranketh’s page.
Pranketh Page
Yes. I know your doubt. If its so easy, why do nefarious miscreants use stupid yahoo/gmail id’s to threaten people, or send smokescreen bomb-footage, to the extremely retarded tv channel Aaj Tak[ self-proclaimed to be “Sarv-Shresht].
The point is the email server, folks. Your id is spoofed. But the smtp server name. No no. I couldn’t dream in my distant dreams to get a gov.in smtp[ Since I don’t happen to be a chinese (govt-sponsored) hacker 😦 ]. As a test case, try sending a prankethmail to your own id. And check the “original mail” option in gmail.
Ah. The post digresses from its core issue. Lets come back to the main point, shall we.
An important reason to gmail, not blocking my self-spam, was that it trusts my id, and its servers.
I tried sending the same text through pranketh. Guess what. It thrashes the mail left and right, before it even leaves their servers. Why?. They use Aksimet.
Pranketh Spam

My advice to gmail [ In the remotest probability that Matt Cutts is reading this,], and other mail providers is this.
Google’s servers are checking all our mail-contents for generating their automated ads and stuff anyways. So, there is no illusion of privacy. So, the next time, I’m sending a mail, check the contents before hand. Warn me if its spammish. Keep the thresholds appropriately such that I’m not regularly annoyed with these warnings.
If all smtp servers start this routine, we can see at least some major changes.

1. All the worlds emails would take a longer time to reach their destination. [ There’s got to be some catch.This is it]

2. Say I send one mail to a big bunch of people, it’d be scanned for spam-behaviour only once. Then some certification can be piggy-backed along, saying its reliable, and not spam. The experts can handle that bit. Not too difficult.

3. Botnets prevention. Say, some dumbo privately runs a smtp server, and has been been subjected to a backdoor/trojan attack. And this is currently acting as a zombie sending out bunch of viagrish mails to innocent people, who’ve left their email id’s lying out in the open.

I’m not saying you give up your earlier approach. That’d be foolish. But if its absolutely obvious that a mail is spammy[ self-spam for eg.]. Block it before it leaves your grounds.

Now, a general warning to all those who think spams are obnoxious. Your bigdaddydog@rediffmail.com might be the prettiest email id around. But don’t leave it on some arbit website, for all the world to see. One syntax-based text crawler and you get thousands of them.
Believe me, some of these spammers are millionaires[ Not the Nigerian kind]. And run their business professionally. And have awesome technical expertise too.
If anything, don’t make their job easier. Let them just fight it out with the big-guys[ yahoo, google, msft et al].

I reiterate. If you desperately want to put your email id on the net, use images like these.

email id
And, a word of caution. Even this is not safe. Within 1-2 years, google image search is going to search the contents in images. And character recognition. Piece of cake.
So, what do you do next. Do not fear, I have the ideas.
1. When you must, put your email id’s with re-captcha. I’d written a post about this some time back. My email id through this schema would be abhi@gmail.com .Go to their website and register for their free service. The only reason this idea is safe, however, is because Spammers, like all of us, are average-ramesh hard-working people. They do not have time to fill your captchas. Where as, your friends and people who want to see your email id so desperately, do.
2. Use images, but this time, write them with 3-d blocks. Even by extreme image processing hacking standards, this is nearly safe for 5-6 years.
3. Do not put email id’s on the internet.

This is probably the first in a series of spam-related posts to come.

P.S: I kinda remembered the first word of my blog’s title, and how I hadn’t paid any attention to it, for the past few months.

And, let me clarify. I love gmail.

Holiday Hoo-Hahs

May 23, 2008 at 4:20 pm | Posted in arbit, criticism, Ethics, humour, Linux, narcissism, Technical, travel, Visions | 7 Comments
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m a particularly strange person. I don’t like vacations. They seem to drag.
Especially the post-college-no social contact ones.
Makes me feel like a social retard. [ Nice post, dude].
Without much nonsensing, here’s some peculiarly interesting/irritating incidents that happened over the past few weeks.

I arrive back from college. Mom’s lambasting me on my apparently obvious weight-loss. Unlike some hoggers, I lost nearly 5-6 kg’s while at college.
Most relatives think that its due to my burning of the mid-night oil-esque studying.
I don’t like to disturb pretty thoughts.

She proclaims with full gusto. “ Before, you leave for Bangalore, I’ll make sure you gain at least 8-10 kgs.” Its gone off to a point where I actually said,
“ Amma, I’m bored. Eat, Eat, Eat… Give me a break ”.
So, Ladies, the next time you see me, in addition to the awesomely dashing, supremely bright looks, I might also be slightly chubbier. Be prepared, lest you be swept off your feet.
[ ROTFL]

Needless to say, gone are the days when Parle-G used to be my
breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Whole family went on major temple touring. Dharmasthala, Kukke Subrahmanya, Aane Gudde[Near Kundapur], Kota Amritheshwari…. yada yada. I hope that this fulfils my religious affiliations for this year.

Non-faith reasons aside, these visits were still pesky. Getting up at 4 in the morning, AND taking a bath, both on the same day, is quite an ask.

On the Aane Gudde- day, I had only one T-shirt left to wear, and by an act of cosmic co-incidence, it happened to be one with the awesome Black-Sabbath band pic on it. Was laughing to myself at the apparent irony. Mom asked why.Told her about the whole satanic/atheistic stuff about Black Sabbath.
She laughed at my stupidity.
Now, That’s a Wardrobe Malfunction, I feel.

Last year. December to be precise, I went to Strands Book Exhibition in Bangalore. Nice place, books at decent prices. One of the many books that I purchased that day was “The Devil’s Alternative”- by Frederick Forsyth. I finished it last week. Ace book. They even called it unputdownable. But that’s how I read. Shame…

Boarded a bus from the M.G.M stop[ My P.U college, I miss it very much too,
but too much senti is not good, so I skip intro]. The conductor saw me and gave me a C.
That’s a half-ticket in Udupi/Mangalore lingo. There used to be a time, when
my friends and me were immensely pleased at this 1-2 Rs. savings.
But C’mon. At 21? You got to be kidding me. Probably I need to look a bit more refined/mature.
I think I should sport a beard. Maybe I will.

One major improvement over the past vacations, is that I finally am getting to surf through Broadband this time. Dial-Up’s a pain in the Bottom if you ask me. [ Did you spot the pun. Ya right there, that’s it. Read on].

Here, I’d like to mention the extremely suave, gracious BSNL folks who came over to my house, installed the ADSL modem+router, and made sure that the connection’s up n running. Granted, its their job. But, it is nice to see govt. officials who are courteous.
It restores my faith in the system.

Now, I surf at nearly 200+ kbps. And as Dha says, I can now download anything that “tickles my fancy”.

Oh ya. I take only the legally downloadable movies, music, sitcoms, software.
After paying for it, of course.

Ah. My board. With Sarcasm written in large letters. Where’s it?.. Better hold it up high.

A Linux guru from Bengaluru, Atul Chitnis does more justice to BSNL’s efforts.
It is also a stepwise guide to the whole deal of getting a dataone connection.
He’s written it better, hence I won’t dare repeat it here.
Read Maadi. His first opinion on this was cynical, and then he changes his mind in this entry after getting the connection. Likewise in my case.

To Atul : I installed it myself on Linux. You took their help. Ha ha…

P.S

Atul says: kill -9 ‘pidof logik’

Turing Machines and extreme irritation

April 25, 2008 at 10:54 am | Posted in arbit, humour, nitk, Technical, travel | Leave a comment
Tags: , , ,

/* The F word will be used 3 times in this post, for completely appropriate reasons. Kindly close your eyes just before u pass over it. Thank you */

Well, I was on my way to good ol’ Bengalooru on some work. In this bus called Indira Travels….
Well, I dint find her, but anyways, this is what happened.

Some of my brilliant NITKian Juniors were here,
filled with placement fear,
Oh. Dear Dear….

These buggers are discussing about Turing machines, and other algos. Various placement related stuff.
[ I’d give a million to anyone who’d guess their branch]

Well, to this particular chap, I pose a question.

” It is 5.45 in the morning. You have a 80 decibel voice, and you’re shouting at an angle of 60 deg relative to your seat, about turing bullcrap. Exactly how many people are you annoying? ”

Answer: The whole fucking bus…..

Well, if you want to understand Turing Machines, I’d love to teach you.
An awesome description by my friend- Junior- con- comps don – Anirudh
” Turing Machines should be called “SlideFuck” , you know like ” BrainFuck” ,
but this time, with only two symbols, “left” and right”.

There, you nasty sucker… got that…..
If you still have a doubt, then ” One tight slap“.

Cheerio

P.S: I know who you are…. [ grin]

Sakku Tetris

April 22, 2008 at 5:21 am | Posted in arbit, humour, Linux, literary, nitk, Technical, Visions | 1 Comment
Tags: , ,

Narcissism should be the state religion.

Some 6 months ago, Sakku Tetris [ Sakkut ™ ], a weapon of mass distraction
was unleashed upon hapless nerds of NITK by the cranberry Zombie
a.k.a The Ghost who Codes, or more popularly known in dcpp circles
as RatPoizon.

Random announcement: Tetris is a part of the bsd-games packaged
in the great archlinux.
[I swear, evil-chappar-sense
asked me to add that. Evangelism at its core].

Sure, we’ve all used those hand-helds before. What was it.. Ah . Yes. Brick game.

Laying bricks[ a term totally ripped by Ali G btw], in search for that
elusive long bar, that would just give it to the huge pile that you’d
meticulously planned, with just that one column space. An lo, behold.
Crasheth thy tower, Gaineth thou points.

But there is no fun in that now, is it?… Along came Skld. With his generous
spirit and cranberry heart, he sets up this amazing tetris server in a jiffy.
That too with all sorts of high score updates, linearly graded levels with
higher rewards and ball-shattering speeds.

The best part about Sakkut ™ is that there is no need to complete the tetris.
The faster you get em’ bricks down , the faster you earn, and the earlier
you f’kup and leave.

Now, you might be wondering. Why the fudge is this chap blabbering
about a game that even my dad would consider Victorian?

Aha. I happen to be the highest scorer, my dear… and a whopping 30k+ at that.

For the ones that did not understand even a single word until now, here’s the post in
Sakkut ™ for Dummies Picture Edition
.

Putty SSh
That, my friends is PuTTY, one of the best ssh, telnet clients out there.
Use this for tetris.
Why?
cmd sucks. and this terminal window looks way better.
Once this is done, you’re hooked up with Sakku’s comp.
Id Unta swamy?..
Login Skalar

Look at that picture carefully. Wtf. Colour ASCII Art, that too with your alias. Dude. Its 2008… Wake up…
And speaking of aliases, how many do you have, man?…

Once you’re in, all that strikes you is one illustrious list of extraordinary gentlemen who have dedicated their precious NITKian schedules towards Sakkut ™.
Several cold wars, semi-trained Zulu Dances and a cut-throat competition in 8th block has led to the compilation of this awesome list.

High Scores and News

Lets dwell on this page for a while [ grin]…
8 out of top 10 scores. 30k. Not bad. Mission accomplished.
The 28k score happened to be when I was in a major inebriated state.
[ There, the first time that I’ve mentioned that I was high, on my blog.
I will not even attempt to chronicle my stupid endeavours under
the influence of substances.
Self Suck-Dingy…. ]
For details read N.R’s alcohol blog.

A new section started by the Rat. For practical purposes, lets call it the tetris blog.
Or shall we call it the Never come out the room-Yet report sensational news- Journalism?.. Hmmm…

Ranging from motivational speeches to Soma/me during the famous
( Sakkut ™ Wars )
, to kick-in-the butt orders for Dha to join, or claims that a certain evil soul did some nasty hacking, or arbit couplish stuff, that only the gossip-freaks would be bothered with….

The best part about Soma’s style of playing was the cool and the panache with
which he deftly manoeuvred.
@ Soma:- It’s lonely at the top…. [ evil laughter]…
The modest Rat however fails to mention that he himself is an accomplished player, however owing to the sudden influx of jobless junta, he fails to appear more than once in that list.

Now the golden moment. What lies within such a heavily guarded fortress, so charmingly entwined with the tales of the geeks, so dazzlingly depicting the brilliant set of conquerors?…..
Well, Sakkut ™ of course….

What is provided here is a sample of the way the game ought to be played. It might appear too fast, and could be confused for an animation gimmick. Well, lets be frank here.
There was some post processing. Irfan view is an awesome image editing software, and a new discovery advp does a good job at creating animated gif’s. But having screen captures at 1 sec intervals, what with that piece of software running on my lousy Tony, some glitches/ time lapses are bound to happen.
What is interesting is the level of F’kup’s that happen in level 9. One mistake, and Sayonara…
Without further ado, a humble demo…

Game on
Tiny things in life bring you the greatest of joys. Sakkut ™ was my companion during many a stressful days.
j-k-l-space
The keys to freedom.Finally I would like to sign off with a adapted quote from the best movie ever made. Yup. The Shawshank Redemption[ Suck on it, Godfather fans].

" Prison time is slow time.Sometimes it feels like stop-time.
So you do what you can to keep going...
Some fellas collect stamps.Others build matchstick houses.
Andy built a library."

Logik , Soma, Dha, RatPoizon, and evilsense played Sakkut ™.

Thanks to Dha for this. It taught me how to use animated gif's in blogs.
Thanks to Google for being there as always. Thanks to Photobucket
and Imageshack for hosting.
And readers, watch this image, while I make a silent exit.

Narcissus
Kudos to John Battelle for being the first John on Google when searched for John. Yup, he beat John's Gospel, John Lennon, John F.Kennedy , John Deere and John Abraham too.... And juniors, might want to set up their own Sakkut ™. We are alumni now.......... P.S: My Blogger theme sucks. All those awesome animated gif's that took me ages to prepare have been mercilessly chopped off.A better way to read an elegant looking post would be to subscribe to my rss feed via Google reader, or via the email service provided by feedburner. [ Marketing is the cheapest job genre ever.....] P.P.S: WordPress sucks,, a bit lesser though. Lesser chopping. P.P.P.S: This is getting irritating, isn't it.... Cheerio

The Chronicles of Bengaluru Part I : The CAT

November 20, 2007 at 7:38 am | Posted in arbit, humour, literary, Technical, travel | 4 Comments

Listening to:- Harry ChapinCAT’s in the cradle.

Disclaimer:- No cats were harmed during the making of this post.

Management is an illusionary subject.It gives you dreams, the whole ” I’m the Boss ” feeling, and that fat cheque too. The IIM brand is something too powerful to resist, and every TDH wants a share of the pie. And what does he/she have to do for this?. Pretty simple actually. Get through an exam , some GD’s and interviews later, and IIM it is.
All’s well, but 2.5 lakh buggers think the same.

So here I was , in good olBengaluru to write an entrance exam which goes by the name of Common Aptitude Test.
Let me clarify some things. I DID NOT PREPARE. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN. It was something close to a timepass kinda situation. But some funny and/or noteworthy incidents made this trip memorable.

Lots of plans were made well before the exam, though daily fluctuating, finally turned out to be great.Plans regarding Birthday celebrations, Bangalore roaming, place of stay, things to purchase, and last and definitely the least , about the actual exam.

Infinite thanks to Saranya for allowing me n tarkari to stay at her place. You Rock..

Now that the MangaloreBengaluru trip sucks big-time, its a pain to travel.Landed at 10a.m, and was in Jayanagar by 4.00..Was hopelessly lost, yet managed to come to a landmark location. Saranya then came cruising on her Rambo [ that’s an activa , not a horse btw ] to pick me up. So I was finally there. There was a brief intro session, and after we and her parents got acquainted, we started timepassing over the T.V.

The day before any major exam, people usually turn into scaredyCATs, and usually behave like a CAT on hot bricks. We , went out to eat. Jayanagar, is thankfully, still a great place to hang out, what with Cool-joints, hot-chips etcetera.

Around an hour before midnight, we felt it was our moral obligation as studious souls to see what this exam is actually about. So glancing through T.I.M.E, we managed to know the names of the sections of the exam, which was really helpful. So, if, … if… any result actually comes out of this, then-IN YOUR FACE, Two-year sloggers.

An interesting co-incidence , was that the day of the exam [ 18th november] , happened to be her B’day. So in spite of repeated warnings to sleep asap, we decided to stay up late. We dint dare give any GPL’s, for fear of being kicked out of the house, and also coz it was a favour returned 🙂 [ thanks ], but wished her none the less.

A warning to all readers who might come across a situation of sleeping in the same room as Anup [ pai, et al ], He snores…I dint have a decibel meter on me, but it sure kept me awake through the night, fully prepared for the adventures on the next day. And the one hour that I actually got a faint hint of what could be perceived as sleep, was disturbed by his lousy alarm. Whate friend.

So on the big-day, we set out as heroes about to face the greatest test, with nothin to shield us from the horrors that lay ahead. After adequate styling, n the sumptuous breakfast, we took our route info from her parents, and embarked on the journey that would last around 4 hours, and would in no manner change our lives in anyway.
Wishes for good luck kept pouring in. I wish they knew.

My center was at The OXFORD College of Engineering, Hosur Road. Give it to the nature of intrepid bangaloreans to name their two-penny institutions after great university towns. The result – Oxford P.U.College, Cambridge Higher Primary, and Stanford English school, gorguntepalya. Ya, I know the branding helps in fooling the junta, but ain’t there a limit? The situation is very similar to MIT – ” Manipal Institute of technlogy“, ” Moodlakatte Institute of technology”, blah blah.

And the hopelessly lost person that I am, the only thing missing in this adventure was a mix-up. And I had to do that too. So, the second I mentioned Oxford, the rickshaw chap took me to oxford group of institutions. And that was a sodding center too. Met snigdha there. Thankfuly she realised that this ain’t my center, and in about 5 minutes so did I.

Due to meticulous planning, and the above mentioned snoring effects, we’d left pretty early. So there was ample time for me to rush to the actual center. Roads are something to be proud of in Bangalore. Ditto about the auto-drivers[ except the last one]. I was there with 20 mins to spare.
Just then wanderlust messages me good luck, n asks about my center. Apparently she came to know of my blunder , courtesy snigdha, and the fact that oxford school was her alma mater. I was actually surprised when she told bout the j.p.nagar mistake, and was foolish enough to assume that it could be a common blunder.

About my actual center, nice place. Huge campus. and lots of cat junta. Met arkesh, mysore n zulla. Zulla with his usual charm told that he was high the previous day. Went inside the exam hall, to witness something really surprising.

Apparently as a part of a scientific experiment on gullible individuals, the campus management had decided to play music via the personal address system, in the tension filled moments before the exam. And the playlist– ” Nagumomu Ganaleni “, ” Brahmam Okatey” , ” Krishna nee begane baro” etc. The junta was furious, and apparently the experiment had not had its effect. The general complaint was that it was classical. I frowned that it was fusion 🙂 ; Finally an amicable solution was sought, that being no music would be played during the exam. Duh ..

For me it was the first cat paper. No simcats, aimcats, tomcats etc, so I friggin‘ dint care for a pattern change, but apparently the old-timer female sitting next to me guessed it was a screwing paper, the moment we got it. And she was right.

Having lost touch attempting quality math, the quant section became pretty time-consuming. I was not aware of strategies, and went about solving each and every question, like the naive kid that I am. Verbals was a breeze , atleast that’s the hope. The section that people were fearing the most , Data interpretation turned out to be very easy. Too simple infact. But, owing to my excessive interest in going through the poetry in the verbal section, I couldn’t manage enough time to do justice to the D.I.

So after the gruelling few hours, I left Oxford for good. Came back to saranya’s place. A great birthday feast was waiting for us. Watched the all-time awesome movie – DON [ the non-lame, original version]. Some timepassing in jayanagar later, with a healthy mixture of purchasing n window-shopping. The day was about to end. We bade farewell to our generous hosts, and set out, as shadows in the night, not knowing which direction the majestic – MAJESTIC lies.

Concluding remarks:- We were really grateful that this year the CAT was not let out of the bag. Ok. Enough of catty idioms. Time for me to sign off.

Cheerio…
Listening to:- Kishore Kumar – CAT… CAT…CAT.. Maane billi..

And the deal is done…..

October 25, 2007 at 6:57 pm | Posted in arbit, humour, literary, nitk, Technical, Visions | 4 Comments

Yes you read it right, the deal of the century which is going to revolutionize the field of electronics just took place recently.

Who are the players, you may ask. Davangere Semiconductors ™, a fully private company founded and funded by Takal, has just acquired Dinga Electronics ™ founded by Logik [ that’s me you dolts]. Well, this is kinda funny , as both the firms don’t exist as of now. Why this empty boast then?. Coz, We’re jobless visionaries<=>Phinal Years.
A little bit into the history and planned future of the two companies.

Davangere Semiconductors™ is a venture to be started by Rakesh Babu Grrr.[ Takal ], whose primary mission is to create a fabrication plant in Davangere and give permanent employment assurances to all kicked-out-from-D’gere and returned from NITK alumnis. As a side business it also plans to make potato chips, to further the cause of rural employment. The future of this company is quite shady as self-proclaimed CMD/CEO/Chief Mentor Shiverbay[ a.k.a bevarsi, a.a.k.a Sad-anand], has a cunningly cunning plan to get takal into a freakish-fatal accident, involving a trained house-fly, an old banian, and a photo of takal.

About the finer details, I think you’ll have to contact shiverbay itself. After that the mascot of D’gere Semi will be a moulded bust of Takal[ alias Super-Tux]. Nothin much busty to boast about, but the company is expected to reach greater heights after this strategic demise. A statue of the above-mentioned mascot[ image hidden for leeegal purposes] would be placed in front of the company headquarters in Davangere to encourage budding entrepreneurs, into not doing similar blunders.
E-Porya zindabad.
Useless Trivia: An important part of the work-culture is Davangere Benne-Dose. It is an integral part of the company success.

Dinga Electronics™, on the other hand, has presently no plans to make it big. A company to be started by the world-famous Logik[ notice the third person jactitation, Me does that a lot; get used to it ], has the primary aim of fooling some venture-capitalists into shelling out big-bucks. Our mascot is Dinga™, the world-famous cartoon character from a kannada
comicDinga. Well, the brand image is immediately obvious, as we plan to do nothing serious.The catchy name offers to be a cult-phenomenon in Karnataka very much alike to APPLE™.To be rolled out products include D-Phone ,D-Mail, and D’oh . We plan to take Google head-on. And our motto shall be ” DO no good “. We think that plagiarism is the future, and thoroughly encourage it in controlled environments.
Trivial Trivia: Our head quarters shall be in Udupi, which is famous for Goli-Baje.

Anyway, the deal was simple, they buy us out. And what’s more, I’m being offered the post of Chief-Peon at the new company, aptly named Davangere Dinga™. The first task after the merger[ not acquisition, you dumbrats], would be the creation of
Goli-Dose, which is said to overturn the way we think about the side-effects of keeping the highest density of semi-retarded graduates at a single spot. Can’t wait for all this to happen. Keepin my toes crossed.

Cheerio…

P.S:- Happy B’day to me,[ 21 years and counting…. ], Similar Wishes to N.R, Raveena Tandon, Hillary Clinton and all other arbits who happen to share the distinction of saying “ Hello World“, on this day…

P.P.S:- Vishal Patel is Baaack after two n half years… and he mentions Sunil Pai on his site… Since being a fan of both these god-level writers, this happens to be a special week for me…

A signing off haiku….

The Clock Strikes Twelve…

My bottom hurts.

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