The Full Monty Problem…

October 6, 2008 at 10:27 pm | Posted in arbit, humour, literary, sarcasm, spam, Technical, travel | 12 Comments
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Monty Singh was a wise man. The brightest in the land.

On that eventful Thursday, he received an email. This was a mail

It was from a Nigerian King.

A real friggin rich Nigger Raja. [P.C version –  Niger. But different country]

Monty Singh was a pyoor Veggie. He didn’t like spam.

But this mail had to be genuine. His IIT alumnian brain could sense it. It was authentic. Right down to the black fonted signature in Wingdings.

He glanced through the contents. He couldn’t believe it. He read it again, this time slowly, and only then did the weight of the matter dawn on him.

He was chosen to participate in a Game show. A quiz of sorts.

Monty smirked. He was an ace quizzer. How he missed those days.

Flashback : Brought to you by Chintu Candy.

It was in seventh standard. He had had his morning’s cuppa’ Horlicks.

Then he went to BQC, thrashed Derek O’Brien mostly left, and occasionally right as well. Pinky Singh was a proud mother that day.

Monty came back from his reverie. He had to think this through.

Monty loved Probability. He simulated a random bit generator. Lady Luck was with him. “Go to Nigeria, you worthless bastard!”, she bellowed.

The queue for the Visa was shorter than he had expected. There was just one local brown model visiting the country for a Fair and Lovely – Limited Nigerian Edition ad-shoot. He grinned as he saw the neighbouring ‘US of A’ Visa line, mostly consisting of bespectacled grad wannabees.

He was received in Nigeria, amidst a royal fanfare. He was led to the only 7 star hotel in the country –  Bobby Da Dhaba. Monty felt right at home.

He woke up that morning, and got himself a beer.

Oops. Wrong post!!!

Monty was up and soon spiffily dressed himself. His father’s pink tie would go well with his lemon yellow shirt.

Karan Johar, the host, looked surprisingly hetero that morning. Must be all that Koffee, thought Monty. “Never mind his temporary non-gayness”. “Concentrate”, he said to himself, as he walked to the stage, which was lit by a thousand colour-colour LED’s. A sight to behold.

Monty raced through the questions like Usain Bolt on steroids. They didn’t call him “Monty Mastermind” just like that.

The final question. This was a toughie. Monty kept his cool. He worked it out. Ruddy Brilliant. He was dingchakkingly good.

“And now Mr.Monty. How bout a bonus round”, shrieked Johar.

“ A flirty car, or you lose it all…..”

No, wait. No one had told him about a bloody bonus round.

As if reading his concerns, Johar replied, “ Don’t worry, Its just a tiny game of probability”.

Gosh. Monty almost had a tiny orgasm.

“ Very similar to the Monty Hall scenario, I take it that you know about it”, asked Johar.

Pfft. Know about it? Why do you think my dad named me Monty?

“Oh. I thought that was because you like to…..  Never mind…”

“Ok. All the doors are hidden behind this wall. Just for kicks”. “And…”

Oh. Will you start already”. “I choose door no.2”. “Which car is it btw?”

“Premier Padmini’s hot friend, Diablo Lamborghini….” “ Whate joke . Whate joke. Ha . Ha.. I know . I can be a pain in the bottoms sometimes”, quipped Karan Johar.

“Ok. Mr.Monty. I’ll open door no.1 and… WTF…”.

“Damn you, Nigerians, stop touching my goat”.

Monty’s brain started working faster than a computer. All those nuggets from Dasgupta, and T.M.H, heck even some from Krishna’s came back to him in a rush. He evoked Bayes, and his conditional Probabilistic models. And in a jiffy, the answer was gambolling right in front of his eyes.

“So, Mr. Monty, what’s your call? Will you flip your choice, or keep it?”

Duh. Flip my choice. Obs”.

“Ok. Have it your way.” ……. “ “Hurrah, You win….”





“ the goat”.

“There were only two doors. Retard”….

All rise for the Nigerian Anthem.

P.S : Monty Singh was a wise man. The brightest in the land.

Update – 7-10-2008

Atul asked me whether this was a Himesh Reshammiya belting post? Actually, I am currently cursing myself for not noticing that Himesh is playing Monty’s role in Karzzzzzzz ( Did I miss a ‘z’? ).

Quoting Himesh – ” Rishi Kapoor is the best-looking Monty, I’m the worst” – We agree.

That, friends, is a different Full-Monty-Problem altogether.



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  1. that was hilarious!!!

  2. ok…. i didn’t get the nigerian raja thing here. rest, yeah, after relevant context from shared feeds.

  3. @Sindhu – thnx.

    @priya – King – > Raaja? Nigerian pseudo-kings are the chief source of phishing related scams.
    Its also a vague reference to an Apache Indian song… There are many such arbit references I presume you got Morrison’s. 🙂

    Relevant context from shared feeds?.. which ones?
    I thought I was being relatively original for once. 🙂

  4. Really funny. BQC! It was a decent show man. I got interested in quizzing because of that show. 🙂 I was just counting the number of personalities that you “belted” in this post. Nice.. 🙂

  5. @ Kitta – BQC , well of course I loved that show. Which right minded quizzing kid of our generation didn’t?
    But, my belt is a bit more personal at Derek.
    If you’d seen BQC’s later version, you’d be literally appalled with the hopeless standards. He started doing that beach events with essays in between questions. All in the name of quizzing( and still called BQC, and some champion challenge etc).
    As if this wasn’t enough, he joined Trinamool Congress. To each his own, fine…
    But when a childhood idol, one whom I admired watching conduct events like Discovery and Brand Equity quizzes, a person with such great showmanship, sides with a commie loser like Mamata Bannerjee; Sorry man, he deserves to be belted.

  6. I have not seen BQC off late (I do not even know whether it is still running!). But I agree with you with the fact that he deserves a “royal” belt for joining Trinamool. Man, I did not even imagine that a person who looks nerdy like him could one day join the politics. 🙂

  7. siddharta basu is gold standard over the o’brien family anyday.
    nerdy looks in politics… P. Chidambaram anyday, with those thick, oversized glasses and all-whites.

  8. @priya – Siddharta Basu may have been a better quizzing icon. But I still liked Derek better. When he was on stage he captured the interest of the audience totally.[ not in a imposing kinda way as in mastermind, that show was a bit creepy ]
    In BQC, he looked all childish. But on sets of Brand equity Corporate quiz, he used to make bawdy jokes as well.
    Basu on the other hand used to say, ” I have started, so I will finish it”.

  9. @Logik- Have you ever attended a live Basu quiz? He’s not too bad,light years of that Mamata lover.
    Did you know Derek showed the crowd in Bangalore the middle finger at Landmark a few years back? What a faggot.

    And I’m still figuring out how Monty Singh led to a BQC debate.

    PS: Karzzz totally rocked!!

  10. @Atul – Actually, my opinions about Basu are based on UC and Mastermind India.His demeanour there was quite stern and formal. Probably, if I’d attended some live quizzes of his, I might change my view.
    Mamta lover. he he.
    That chap used to do risque humour, and many questions were quite suggestive as well. [ I was in 7th back then, hence the wicked interest ]
    From my experience, he used to love the quizzing fraternity in bangalore. He always mentioned it in high esteem, although those might again be attributed to the showmanship.

    I’ve no idea why poor monty was dragged into this. Guess people shouldn’t tread on sentiments bordering on nostalgia.
    Karzz, yeah right. So, which movie do you vote for?
    Gunda or Karzz?

  11. Actually, my opinions about Basu are based on UC and Mastermind India.His demeanour there was quite stern and formal.

    That’s the problem-there’s no scope for any “fun” in the aforementioned quiz shows.

    From my experience, he used to love the quizzing fraternity in bangalore. He always mentioned it in high esteem, although those might again be attributed to the showmanship.

    He’s come taken a lot of flack from quizzers down south for his brand of quizzing. Junta here prefer the “workoutable” quizzes (something on the lines of what we had in college) but he insists on the “trivia” type of quizzing (which is quite popular in Bongland).

    Anyway,the good news is that Derek has been booted out of Landmark 2008 (Singur fallout perhaps?) so Dr. Naveen Jayakumar will be doing the quiz. November 1st. Teams of 3.

  12. haha that was a very funny article! But I too have memories of the BQC! It was such an informative show right? And whatever you people have to say, Derek O’Brien did a stellar job holding my interest! Its heartening to hear that it’s coming back! When i was told about its return, I have to say that the idea of seeing Derek onscreen again was more attractive to me than seeing Basu.. I do enjoy his line of questioning and would be happy to have some more 😉

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